*I started this on 9 August. I finished it on 9 September.
In April unpleasantries happened on Yahoo chat. I'm not talking about that. Then there was that posting about "Asses and Family." Yea, that shit was just superfly special. Then last night . . .
Last night I got blasted by a friend because he didn't like a joke I made. This is only the third occurrence this week. This time . . . he brought me to tears, more than once. I made a comment about something he said was creepy, and when he took offense to the creepy word I said (in all honesty) that from anyone but him it would be creepy. Seriously, he said he wanted to choke my throat with his hand take me with his sword. Then I got yelled at for putting him in the same class as random guys. I said I was sorry he took it wrong. He carried on. Finally, he told me I should say I was sorry I upset him (which I never should have done). I did that, and it didn't stop. He told me I should always look to myself for the blame and that I blame everyone else, and nothing (and I do mean nothing) I said was right in his mind. I told him I blame myself for my entire life, as so many of the choices I have made have catastrophically exploded in my face. He knows about something from fifteen years ago, that I am not going into here, and what he said tonight about it was just horrible. He knows I blame myself for not having a job. I am a jokester about my job hunt, and I make jokes frequently about it because I have to to survive. He told me I am so bitter that I can not see the truth. He told me that I am blind liberalism, and the conversation tonight wasn't even about politics. In all reality, I do have a job adjuncting, but I strive for more. He told me that I am not where I should or want to be. I told him, once again, that the move to Virginia was financial. He then came back saying that he doesn't care what state I am in that I am not where I should be life wise. He went on to tell me that I blame myself for everything and that I am miserable. Seriously, he had just lambasted me saying I don't take blame for anything. I got yelled for so-called comparing myself to him, I got a snide statement about having my degree, and he used my title in a negative manner again. Yes, I know. He would say that I am making this all about me, when I was the one who offended him. Through all of this, I reminded him that I am pretty happy these days. Well, that was until he brought me to tears three times. Yea, I was up all night.
I let someone take my words and twist them. I let someone rip me from the inside out. I let someone bring back things that I have long struggled and dealt with over the years. It's shitty how these things happen. One moment can reverse you in time and keep you up at night. I look at myself in the mirror enough to know what is wrong with me. I know that I am mal-adjusted. I know that I am bad with people. I know that I am not a social person--never have been. I know that I am sarcastic, but those who know me know how to read it. He should by now, but according to him I continually make him feel bad about himself. Yea, because of a comment tonight to that I've made in the past few years to him and he's laughed.
If I make him feel so bad about himself, why does he keep me around? And, what about what he does to me? Like tonight for instance. When I asked him what happened to make him like this the past week I got told that I was making it all about me again. Yup, the same old cuts. This morning I called his phone at 7:30 am and told him that his words were out of line and uncalled for, that I was sorry he had been railroaded, and I told him he needed to stop taking it out on me. I left that on his voice mail.
Late this afternoon I saw my Yahoo Chat had offline messages for me. I got an apology with the word if, and he said that he just noticed I had been in a funk lately and wanted to help. Heh. Here's the deal: I am not in a funk. Even when I'm the most frustrated, I am still pretty happy. And, is he kidding me saying that was an attempt to help? Yea, he said he was sorry for going so wrong on me and that he'd talk to me soon once he gets his head back.
I just deleted Yahoo messenger.
***
On a side note, he deleted me as a friend and the only way we ever talked was via text or sometimes on Yahoo. Guess who doesn't care anymore?
The choking thing . . . out of line.
On this same note, I have three regrets in life: Paul, moving back to VA, and that I have no work history outside of academia.
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