Weird Sex

In what seems like a million years ago I posted this on MySpace. Shush. I was cool for like five seconds. I've added some more to the list.

Random happenings, in no particular order or year frame. I’ve changed their names. And these priceless tid-bits are the reason that (as my friend PD says) I am the reason two soldiers should not have children. The system made me so fucked up.

1. While having sex Stoner said “thank-you.” Really. Then he said it afterward and the next morning. He kept kissing me saying “thank-you.” I had no idea what to say in response. I think I finally said “you’re welcome.” I later learned he wanted to say "I love you."

2. Another while having sex, Gyspy-boy said “fuck yeah, oh fuck, fuck yeah.” I still have no response to that one.

3. Dirty-boy never looked at me. Two rounds of mattress dancing never got me looked at, but he sure as hell made the noises of enjoyment (as did I). Weird. Dirty-boy he is. Actually, he never did look at me while we mattress danced. Perhaps that comes from the now knowledge that he was banging other chicks, and his now wife, while with me. Classy. Super classy.

4. This one is Deflator Mouse number one. Yeah, there’s been two. Deflator Mouse’s grandma came in to get his dirty laundry (ironically, I bet I fall into that category). My hair was still red, and he said all you could see was red curls sticking out from under the covers. He tickled me the whole time, but after she took my clothes I made him go get mine. Deflator Mouse . . . you can figure out the name. Too much whiskey and beers lead to that malfunction. This occurred during college, and after the first deflating occurrence he didn't call for a few weeks. I broke down and talked to a buddy about it. He coined him Deflator Mouse.

5. While watching some court television show my Dad asked a dumb question. The case was about the return of sex toys (I shit you not), and my Dad wanted to know what the hell was so important about a Beaver. I, forgetting where the hell I was, told him. You should have seen his face when he found out. I thought he was gonna die as he said “God-damn” and nearly feel off the couch laughing.

6. Another priceless Dad moment. While driving along I-95 in Virginia one day he decided to give me shit about my lack of a dating life and lack of a marriage. Yeah, I bet you can figure out that that one went over real well. Well, I matter-of-factly told him that he already had a highly dependable son-in-law that is a doctor. He turned and looked at me in disbelief, started to ask why he hadn’t met him, and that was when I said “And he runs on double A batteries.” The Sarge nearly wrecked the car that day, but to this day he hasn’t brought up the marriage subject with me.

7. On another ride with my Dad we were passing through a raunchy area of Richmond, and there was Pricilla’s Lingerie Shop. Okay, Pricilla’s is a porn shop . . . I asked Dad if he wanted to go in and get another son-in-law. He didn’t speak to me for nearly two hours. Priceless.

8. A friend of mine recently told me that she closes her eyes and superimposes me for her girlfriend’s face. Okay, that was/is unnerving.

9. A certain drug-ridden actor, that I used to dig watching, was given a BJ by my brother. I still can’t watch that guy on screen. As to why my brother told me that story . . . If you got a Ouija Board please ask him for me.

10. At a departmental party (for the History Department) a few years back two grad students (I was not one of them) got together and made Boobaroni and Peckeroni Salad. The look on the chair’s face when he realized what he was eating still sends me into fits of laughter.

11. Musical Condoms. Need I say more? No, I’ve never used them, but they certainly sound fucked up. Really, if I ever heard music emanating from me while I was getting my groove on you would see my naked ass running down the road.

12. I’ve never done this one, but . . . I have the flag belly ring, a friend has the flag tattoo, flag blanket, and service. So, perhaps we should get one of those musical condoms (as in “The Stars and Stripes Forever” because they come in that tune too) and have patriotic sex. Then I could use it as a source for something about patriotism.

Okay, that was even a bit much for me.

13. Someone I used to know told me that she joined the Air Force for “the free pussy.” Yup. She’s also had more pussy than I have pairs of panties.

14. An acquaintance asked the nurse if flavored condoms make your pussy taste different: as in snacking after intercourse. Why, why, would you ask that question?

15. A friend’s quick fingered kid found my vibe one day. I told her it was a bed warmer, and she said “So you hold your legs together and put it there to keep you warm?” He he he.

16. A girlfriend tells me that her senior year in college her roommate had sex with her in the room one night. Afterward, she slept with her camera every night, as to ward off the hanky-panky. I hear she woke up a couple of times from tossing and turning and took pictures.

17. A delicious one hummed during sex. Okay, that one isn't so bad. I want to keep that memory for the good file. There are other things with him that piss me off--like us being friends once, or so I thought, and now we aren't because of the naked night together. That was a good night though. I long for the day I have that kind of chemistry again.

18. The salesman . . . Salesman talks ALL through it. Seriously. Why in the name of god would you talk so damned much? Honestly, it kills the mood.

19. Larry the Carpenter from Ireland. Apparently, sex with me was so awesome he wanted to marry me. There is a Genevieve shaped hole in South Boston on his account.

20. Back to Deflator Mouse. One night he said "You can call me Tim, if I can call you Faith." As in the country singers. Probably wouldn't have been so bad if we hadn't been in the middle of it . . .

I should stop now. I think this entry is foul enough.