Monday, August 17, 2009

A Better Woman Than Me . . .

Today I got a media mail from Jeni. Yea, that's no biggie there. The first one was of Sunny Bunny sitting on the couch pouting, I think. I have to admit that even in a pouty mood the little bitty one is still damned cute. Then, not more than an hour later I got another media mail. This one came with the title "This has been my day." Um . . . with a title like that you gotta know something is up.

I opened the mail and instead of an adorable photo of Sunny Bunny or Sugar Plum playing, making a mess of a cake, or pretending to wear a nose ring I heard screaming. It was both of the girls (two and almost one). I was on my way into the market, and I groaned and mumbled "birth control . . . birth control." The grimace on my face certainly showed. I replied back with "yuk." Now, normally I would have responded back that I was saving the mail for a birth control method the next time I wanted to get laid, but I know Jeni well enough to see that my normally funny line would have not been amusing.

Roaming through the produce section of Wild By Nature, Jen started sending messages. She told me about Sunny Bunny's lying on the bathroom floor and screaming for twenty minutes because she wouldn't put her on the potty. She told me about having to put her in her room, where Sunny Bunny proceeded to hit and scream like a possessed woman. Sugar Plum is teething. See the picture?

About this point I sent:

Dear God,

Please send Jeni coffee and baby Valium.

Her response:

PLEASE!!!!!

After telling Jeni that this ranked as a "selling motherhood moment" and that she would survive, I also quipped that husbands can be worse and childhood memories could be surfaced. About this time Sunny Bunny fell asleep, probably exhausted from her antics, and Sugar Plum began playing with the laundry Jeni was folding. In the midst of the calm life came back to normal.

Here is where I can't help but see a strange circle of sorts. When Jeni and I left New Mexico in 2000, I told her she was going to miss her boyfriend (now husband). They were moving to separate states. She adamantly told me no, and that I was wrong. I will never forget when I told her that she was going to wake up and realize the bed was empty, not be able to think, open the freezer and realize she had bought things he likes to eat that she hates. Sure enough, a few months later she called me one morning and without saying hello she said, "You were right, and you are a better woman than me. You can be alone." When they got married in January of 2001, she told her whole family about that phone call. Funny thing, I've never really been with someone for an extended period of time. Yet . . .

Days like today, when Jeni is at her breaking point, I get an immense kind of childish glee to tell her that she is now the better woman. I may live alone, and all that jazz, but the whole tricycle motor department trumps that I think.

Friday, August 14, 2009

People Watching with BB

So last night an old friend and I met up for dinner. Dinner at John Harvard's was good, and the atmosphere made for an entertaining evening. Okay . . . so you should know that BB and I are generally jackasses together. Well, last night made no exception. When we worked together, there were faculty meetings we got shushed at and group scoring of portfolios got us not only shushed but put in different groups. Let me give you three examples of unadulterated humor. He he he.

1. Early twenty-something jock dude sits down at the bar. We had a booth in the bar, so some of this is to be expected. Jock Boy has on camo cargs, a t-shirt, and backwards ball cap. He sits at the corner stool, and the seat on the adjacent corner is empty. Apparently he is waiting for someone as he sips on his Pale Ale. On the other side of this empty seat was a man in his middle years (grey hair, older face) dressed similar to Jock Boy. About the time I am sitting there thinking "Damn, you never really know the shape of people's asses until they sit them at your eye level" BB mutters about gayness in the air. I detract from my randomesque asses thought and ask him what he means. He mentions the clothes of the guys and asks "Don't you think that's a little gay?"

"Eh, no. That's standard uniform anymore. But if they were the the same colors from head to toe . . . "

"Oh, okay." Our apps and my beer came so I never did make my statement about ass sizes, which is probably good. Seriously, a rather large dude had sat his asscrack on the stool directly next to me, so I got to see his girth bubbling over the sides. I am sure he would have heard me if I had asked BB. Well, maybe not . . . but there are somethings you don't want to test.

As we munch on our apps, the Jock Boy finally has his companion show up. So, he's dressed in the similar cargs and hat attire, but when he sits down he puts his foot on Jock Boy's stool leg and leans in. At this point BB and I started wondering when they were going to nuzzle.

In the midst of this, BB asks me if the guy at the end of the bar has tattoos or hair on his arms. I quickly glance back and shutter. As I turned around I uttered "eeeew, hairy like a sweater." BB couldn't help but laugh. Here is where I should mention that our waitress made several passes at our table, and it seemed that every time she paused our way she overheard our observations. Her attempts to hide her laughter were apparent.

BB and I concerned ourselves with our Nachos and entrees, and in the midst of a delightful conversation Hairy Guy headed to the toilet. On his way there we couldn't help but notice his studded black belt, cut off shorts, and of course the black sleeveless shirt that caught our eyes earlier. I let out more than a giggle and reached for my phone. BB shook his head telling me I was going to get him beat up. I reminded him that I had never been the cause of that, but he reminded me that there is always a first. On the way back from the toilet Hairy Guy stopped at the hostess station. I got my picture, and BB took one too. We both laughed ourselves silly, and our waitress came over about the same time with BB's beer. She looked at the direction of our giggles and laughed too.

Yea, I know . . . we are so lucky we didn't get beat up.

2. While driving BB home we stopped at a red light to hear some young twenty-something's asshat music. Not just his asshat tunes, but we saw his tinted windows, wannabe gangster look, and then we caught he was talking to someone. Um . . . on the other side of a me was a female version of him. As the light turned to green and we rolled around the corner I commented that "Now there's a female asshat. Yea, I bet she used vaginal deodorant because of those tight pants." In all honesty, her windows were down and not only could you see her heavy makeup but you got a full view of her circulation stopping drawers.

Sucking in air and shaking his head, "What?"

"You know . . . those women who wear those skin tight pants have to use somethin' down there to cover up the skank smell."

"So, Celine Dion does? You know she's always in leather pants."

"Yea, has too. You gotta spray the vagina . . ."

"Ha! Seriously, that vagina comment was too much."

Perhaps. Good thing asshat one and two were busy getting numbers and dates in traffic or we would have been shit kicked because the windows were down for our conversation.

3. At Sevs BB and I went in for cold drinks. On the way out he noticed a bleached blonde, with a fairly nice body, but her face was hidden. As we got in the car he noted that her other half was clearly a gym buff and had a flat haed. Seriously, he was a guy with a couple of hoops in his ears, the silver rings, and the trademark swagger of a gym rat womanizer. As we waited for those two to check out and turn for a front facial view of blondie, BB remarked that we were bad together. I piped that we were on the road to the poe poe or beatingville. About this time blondie turned my way. As we busted out laughing because her face looked like a cement truck hit it, I thanked god we were in a locked car. BB remarked that "she has the face to stop a cock."

As the couple got in their car, they turned and looked to us shaking their heads. I know they could hear us laughing. In retrospect, we are lucky fools to have our faces in tact.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Yahoo Messenger is Going to be the Death of Me

*I started this on 9 August. I finished it on 9 September.

In April unpleasantries happened on Yahoo chat. I'm not talking about that. Then there was that posting about "Asses and Family." Yea, that shit was just superfly special. Then last night . . .

Last night I got blasted by a friend because he didn't like a joke I made. This is only the third occurrence this week. This time . . . he brought me to tears, more than once. I made a comment about something he said was creepy, and when he took offense to the creepy word I said (in all honesty) that from anyone but him it would be creepy. Seriously, he said he wanted to choke my throat with his hand take me with his sword. Then I got yelled at for putting him in the same class as random guys. I said I was sorry he took it wrong. He carried on. Finally, he told me I should say I was sorry I upset him (which I never should have done). I did that, and it didn't stop. He told me I should always look to myself for the blame and that I blame everyone else, and nothing (and I do mean nothing) I said was right in his mind. I told him I blame myself for my entire life, as so many of the choices I have made have catastrophically exploded in my face. He knows about something from fifteen years ago, that I am not going into here, and what he said tonight about it was just horrible. He knows I blame myself for not having a job. I am a jokester about my job hunt, and I make jokes frequently about it because I have to to survive. He told me I am so bitter that I can not see the truth. He told me that I am blind liberalism, and the conversation tonight wasn't even about politics. In all reality, I do have a job adjuncting, but I strive for more. He told me that I am not where I should or want to be. I told him, once again, that the move to Virginia was financial. He then came back saying that he doesn't care what state I am in that I am not where I should be life wise. He went on to tell me that I blame myself for everything and that I am miserable. Seriously, he had just lambasted me saying I don't take blame for anything. I got yelled for so-called comparing myself to him, I got a snide statement about having my degree, and he used my title in a negative manner again. Yes, I know. He would say that I am making this all about me, when I was the one who offended him. Through all of this, I reminded him that I am pretty happy these days. Well, that was until he brought me to tears three times. Yea, I was up all night.

I let someone take my words and twist them. I let someone rip me from the inside out. I let someone bring back things that I have long struggled and dealt with over the years. It's shitty how these things happen. One moment can reverse you in time and keep you up at night. I look at myself in the mirror enough to know what is wrong with me. I know that I am mal-adjusted. I know that I am bad with people. I know that I am not a social person--never have been. I know that I am sarcastic, but those who know me know how to read it. He should by now, but according to him I continually make him feel bad about himself. Yea, because of a comment tonight to that I've made in the past few years to him and he's laughed.

If I make him feel so bad about himself, why does he keep me around? And, what about what he does to me? Like tonight for instance. When I asked him what happened to make him like this the past week I got told that I was making it all about me again. Yup, the same old cuts. This morning I called his phone at 7:30 am and told him that his words were out of line and uncalled for, that I was sorry he had been railroaded, and I told him he needed to stop taking it out on me. I left that on his voice mail.

Late this afternoon I saw my Yahoo Chat had offline messages for me. I got an apology with the word if, and he said that he just noticed I had been in a funk lately and wanted to help. Heh. Here's the deal: I am not in a funk. Even when I'm the most frustrated, I am still pretty happy. And, is he kidding me saying that was an attempt to help? Yea, he said he was sorry for going so wrong on me and that he'd talk to me soon once he gets his head back.

I just deleted Yahoo messenger.

***

On a side note, he deleted me as a friend and the only way we ever talked was via text or sometimes on Yahoo. Guess who doesn't care anymore?

The choking thing . . . out of line.


On this same note, I have three regrets in life: Paul, moving back to VA, and that I have no work history outside of academia.